I just want things to be the colour they were before, admits Brexiteer

Icon, n. A person or thing regarded as a representative symbol

“‘Back and Blue – Brits will get their iconic dark blue passports back after Brexit, ministers reveal today – in a stunning campaign victory for The Sun,’ is, let’s be honest, a corking headline,” said keen Brexiteer Ricard Acist, when we asked him what this latest bollocks is about.

“I mean, for now, obviously, we have to talk in code like this, right, because, you know, 48% of the country that actually voted, like, are leftist arseholes. Because, a position that makes it easier to do business is well leftarded. But, you know, our time is coming, give us a few years.”

We asked Herald cryptology expert Professor Firkin Obvious whether she could break this subtle Brexit code. She said:

“Well, Back and Blue is a derivation of a well known idiomatic expression, Black and Blue. This is used as the passport story headline, which The Sun puts next to a picture of blue blooded Harry Windsor and, erm, Meghan Markle, who is erm, not blue blooded. I’m going to go on a limb here, and, I’m not just saying this because I’m in the North West, but, The Sun are cunts.”

Shocked by this terrible language, we swiftly removed The Sun from Professor Obvious, but unfortunately, the next on our pile of papers was The Mail, with a front page headline talking about its “niggling” doubts about Markle. This near incapacitated her, so we return to Mr R. Acist for the last word.

“I just want things to be the colour they were. I don’t like these variations on what it means to be British. I want to go back to watching the snooker on a black and white telly. We knew were we were then. White ball, in charge, moving the rest of them around, no matter what shade they are, because they aren’t white.”

We can only assume that’s why he likes to take such balls as a cue from The Sun.