Nathan Barley led calls today for clean shaven white twats to “take responsibility for their community.”

“It is imperative, at this time of national crisis, for us to be clear that not all white twats are the same.  We white, Shoreditch Twats reject the suggestion that we are in any way connected with terrorism.  Just because we are white and English does not mean that hate preacher Tommy Robinson offers a fair representation of our viewpoint.  It is time for hipsters to speak out.

“Consider the evidence.  We have beards.  None of us are clean shaven.

“We drink craft ale produced by micro-breweries.  It is rare for us to drink mass-produced strong lager and, when we do, that’s only because we were bare out of options at the after-party and needed something to take the edge off the chan.  If you see me with a can of Stella, you know I couldn’t find any diazepam.  I will allow a Strongbow Dark Fruits as a guilty pleasure though.  Now that is a tasty beverage.

“Whilst some point to similarities because of our colour, and because van drivers also eat cereal,  we reject any attempts to paint us all with the same brush.  Although I will concede talking bollocks online so you get donations to buy your drugs without getting a proper job is bare smart.”

When the Herald challenged Barley over that time we’d seen him loading speakers into a van by the 333 nightclub, he angrily responded:

“Shoreditch Twattery is a twattery of peace.”

Strongbow if you want to send us some dark fruits at Rochdale Herald, we’d be much obliged, it’s a hot day.  If not, sod you and we are going to Aldi to get on the Taurus.