Lard-loving fast food fanatics McDonald’s made the announcement immediately following the news that London’s sewers have been blocked by vast deposits of insoluble grease.

The limited edition Monster FatburgerR will initially retail in affected parts of London. If the trial is successful, it will be rolled out across the whole of the UK.

The recipe is being kept a closely guarded secret, although McDonald’s spokesporker Polly N. Saturated revealed that it will definitely include an inedible gherkin.

“Customers expect the gherkin as part of the whole McDonald’s Experience,” claimed Ms Saturated. “We are the proudest disposers of pickled cucumber products in the western hemisphere.”

Less guarded insiders claim that the congealed carbohydrates themselves will be incorporated into the Monster FatburgerR.

It is alleged that McDonald’s trainee staff in London have been issued with hi-viz jackets, buckets and spades to collect the greasy goodness. It is thought that the prized lumps of lard will then be re-fried before being served in a stale bun with large fries and, naturally, a gherkin.
The Herald talked to trainee Doug McArbs on his emergence from the sewer.

“Aye, it’s mingin’ doon there,” he said, wiping a greasy hand across his sweaty brow. “There’s lard everywhere, used condoms, raw sewage, rats, you name it. Not quite as bad as the McDonald’s kitchen, so it’s been a really positive experience for me.”

Restaurants in Scotland are already up in arms about the Monster FatburgerR. Representative for the Glasgow Gastronomes, Ad McChips, was outraged. “This is a blatant rip off of classic Scottish cuisine,” he spluttered. “Deep fried lard served in a tartan slipper has been a Scottish staple dish for some years now. Putting it in a cardboard box with a gherkin doesn’t change anything!” Mr McChips, 23, has since been admitted to Glasgow Central Hospital for his second heart bypass operation.

Rumours abound of a supersize MegaMonster FatburgerR for the USA market.

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