Trump Walking

Trump’s cognitive ability is normal, says White House vet

WASHINGTON: The actual real-life US President Donald Trump has achieved a normal score on a cognitive exam and is in excellent fettle, although he could benefit from a course of worming tablets and being...

I don’t care what UK Ambassador thinks of me, says dickhead who won’t shut...

A giant man dayglo baby who won't stop whining about somebody who said some mean things about him has declared on Twitter that he doesn't care what people think of him.

We always go on holiday to visit housing estates, say Russian poisoning suspects

2 Russians who are suspected to have poisoned Sergei Skripal and Yulia Skripal have told Russia Today that they always go on holiday and visit random housing estates. Despite always having the excuse that he...

Barack Obama to narrate Audible version of Fire and Fury

Barack Obama is to narrate the Audible version of US best-selling book, Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House. It's alleged that Mr Obama beat off stiff competition from Bill Clinton to land the...
Donald Trump

Trump tells CNN all future press conferences will be held in Saudi Embassy

POTATUS has announced that he will begin to give CNN press conferences in Saudi Embassies from now on. The announcement comes as his administration complained that reporters ask too many hard questions and rarely ask...
Royal Navy

Royal Navy ordered to kill any f*cking Frenchman who so much as looks at...

10 Downing Street has ordered the Royal Navy to kill any f*cking Frenchman who so much as looks at a British fish. The order has been issued from the executive to coincide with the UK's...
Hurricane

State of emergency declared as Hurricane Dorian heads towards rich white people

Category 4 hurricane 'Dorian' has caused devastation throughout the Bahamas this week. The hurricane has broken previous records of longest sustained category 5 status and has had winds of up to 185mph, causing catastrophic damage...

DUP ask Merkel for one billion Euros to give her their support in Bundestag

News broke this morning that the Northern Ireland political party, the DUP, has demanded one billion euros from Angela Merkel in order to support her CDU party in the Bundestag. It's believed Ms Merkel is...
Donald Trump has a gold leaf living room yet tells the government he doesn't pay tax because you would waste it

Man with solid gold living room tells government “I don’t pay tax because you...

A man who owns a solid gold living room reportedly told one hundred million of his closest friends that he doesn't pay Tax in case the government squanders it. Mr Drumpf from New York has...
Gaza

Israel celebrates Eurovision win by bombing Gaza strip

Israel has celebrated winning the Eurovision song contest with a massive aerial bombardment of the Gaza Strip and shooting dead some Palestinian civilians. Nine Palestinian civilians were shot dead in clashes between Palestine and heavily...
Guns for sale

Mass shootings are an unsolvable problem says country with a mass shootings problem

A country that has a really serious problem with deranged lunatics buying really big guns and shooting dozens of strangers has publicly said it has "no idea' how to solve the problem. "We just have...
Children Running

Teaching children to Zig Zag best way to avoid school shooting fatalities, say NRA

In the wake of yet another mass school shooting in the USA the National Rifle Association have suggested that the tragedy could have been prevented if children were taught basic sniper dodging tactics. Mike Ropiness,...

Trump nominates Bill Cosby for US Supreme Court

Bill Cosby has been elected to the US Supreme Court after being sentenced for sex assault. Cosby, who today received a 10 year sentence for drugging and sexually assaulting a woman over a decade ago...
Donald Genius Trump

Donald Trump shits on White House floor after learning Obama uses toilets

News is emerging this morning that Donald Trump has started defecating on the floor like a dog after learning that Barack Obama uses toilets. Several cleaners in the White...
Sarah Huckabee

Trump to sue publisher of Fire and Fury when Sarah Huckabee finishes reading it...

Washington DC - Donald Trump has angrily announced that he intends to sue the publisher of The White House tell all book, Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House, just as soon Sarah...
FBI

There was nothing to tip us off about that bloke who bought 33 guns...

The FBI have reiterated that there were absolutely no clues that a bloke who bought thirty three semi-automatic rifles in one year might have been planning something. “That’s not even one a week!” Special Agent...

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