Fictional President of the United States Francis Underwood has been obliged to step down this week following allegations of historical sexual harassment.

Whilst his Presidency has been marred by a number of controversies, FPOTUS Underwood has been able to navigate these, until now, by a remarkable innate cunning and competence infrequently seen by occupants of his office.

The FPOTUS rose to prominence after gaining years of experience in politics, living the American dream by pulling himself up by his bootstraps despite his humble origins in Gaffney. Whilst this less than peachy start to life would preclude less determined individuals, Frances Underwood has nonetheless managed to make his mark on the United States.

Whilst FPOTUS has at times been unpopular, his enemies have tended to respect his skill. Whilst FPOTUS is less popular than other FPOTUS’s that have inhabited the West Wing, he is still seen as a competent holder of his office.

FPOTUS’s record is considerably more impressive than, hypothetically: inheriting considerable wealth; using that and your connections to dodge the draft four times; embarking on a low quality business career marred by serial failures and returns lower than an S&P tracker fund; and then colluding with a foreign power to convince unpleasant people to vote for you because you imply you might tackle black folk that are a bit, well, uppity.

Notwithstanding that track record, as reports emerge of inappropriate conduct by FPOTUS towards a Naval Officer when the officer was 14, he has been obliged to step down. This contrasts markedly with the standards to which other Presidents have been held. Other Presidents might for example have been accused of sexual assault and rape of a 13 year old girl at various parties hosted by Jeffrey Epstein; accused of a series of assaults by women who were actually adults; caught on tape advocating sexual assault; well heck we don’t have enough space left in the article to even write them all out…

Reassuringly though, FPOTUS has confirmed that he would rather destroy his fictional world entirely than allow a competent and deserving female to assume his role.

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Like many satirists, Johnny Wapping accepts he is an arsehole, and thinks society could be better if we were all willing to accept what arseholes we are. If you see him on Facebook, why not ask if he’s read the article?