Angela Merkel, the German Chancellor, is due to meet with Theresa May later today to spit in her face and tell her to piss off in person.

Theresa May is said to be very excited to have the opportunity to meet a proper politician and will be taking her own wet wipes to the meeting at the Chancellery in Berlin.

The meeting comes a day ahead of a speech on Saturday in which Theresa May is expected to obfuscate and bullshit about Brexit and, amongst other things, the “security partnership” she hopes to maintain with Britain’s historic enemies across Europe.

The UK is under mounting pressure to actually try to come up with at least one detail about the final relationship it wants with the EU.

A spokesman for the EU told The Rochdale Herald “Mrs May has actually been booked as the after dinner entertainment. It was cheaper and funnier to get Theresa May to tell us what she hopes to achieve with Brexit than booking Jimmy Carr like we did last year.

A spokesman for Angela Merkel has confirmed that she is well hydrated and looking forward to the meeting.

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.