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Rochdale, UK

STD’s seek Brexit freedom of movement assurances

Several prominent sexually-transmitted infections have today sought assurances from the Government that Brexit will not have a negative impact on their European transmission rates.  In an open letter to MPs, the disease organisms expressed concerns that restrictions...

Rochdale A+E under stress from record levels of chafing

A + E departments and walk in clinics are struggling to deal with thousands of cases of extreme chafing caused by the hot weather. John Welsby of Middleton was turned away from a walk in clinic...

NHS Complimentary Medicine Services near collapse

The Emergency Services and NHS Trusts in London & the South East areas are reported to be within 24 hours of collapse. Since the vote to leave the EU, A&E departments have been flooded by...

Stoner Relieved Global Conspiracy to Crush the Poor Not Just Weed-Induced Paranoia

Danny Moss, 41, of Milnrow happily cancelled his upcoming trip to the psychiatrist after finally concluding that there really is a shadowy cabal trying to take over the world.  The appointment, which clashed with a rerun of Time...
Glass of orange juice

The man from Del Monte in critical condition with scurvy

80's TV ad star and renowned juice producer, Derek Monte, was rushed to hospital yesterday and  immediately diagnosed with scurvy, a debilitating illness caused by a severe vitamin C deficiency that commonly affected pirates...

Man Flu Worse Than AIDS Cancer And Ebola Combined Say Scientists

We've all heard of the dreaded Man Flu in our time, but a team of scientists in Rochdale have finally catalogued the full effects. “The slightest unpleasant exertion could prove instantly fatal,” head researcher Dr...

Rochdale sex romp for Ozone Day

Friday 16th of September was World Ozone Day but residents of a care home in Rochdale have been getting hot under the collar after a case of mistaken identity. "I was a free spirit in...

NHS recruit Clippit the Paperclip to defend against hackers. 

NHS boffins have rolled out the big guns this week, spending over half of their £42.50 IT budget on futuristic anti-virus software. ? "We needed someone who knows our Windows 95 computer system inside out" said...

Shoppers rejoice as bendy bananas sneak back into supermarkets after Commons vote

UK shoppers were in ecstasy as bendy bananas made a comeback into British supermarkets following Parliament’s decision to allow Prime Minister Theresa May to trigger article 50. Although bendy bananas are not strictly allowed...

Man begins month long quest to get fit

In a determined effort, this time (yes, this time it's for real, not like the other times) Simon Lardon, single, of Sheffield, has given up beer and bacon and joined his local Sweatytynes to...

You can’t lock up surgeons for behaving like sociopaths, we’d have none left rules...

The NHS breathed a deep sigh of relief today after Judge Ian Pringle QC ruled that you can't send surgeons to prison just for behaving like coked up sociopaths.
Doctors

Increase in breast injuries as Brexit voters admit to feeling right tits

The number of women reporting breast injuries has increased dramatically since June 2016, according to Dr Feltham Bubiz, head of Unspeakable Female Problems at Rochdale General Hospital. "There must be a connection with the referendum," Dr Bubiz...

Nutters shouldn’t be stigmatised says Theresa May

The hidden injustice of mental illness is something that Tories really care about, claims the woman who heads a party that has cut mental health provisioning back so far you can see its bone...

Creator of Sitcom-Only Medical Procedure Heimlichs Out

US doctor Henry Heimlich, who invented the manoeuvre used to help victims of choking, has died aged 96. Dr Heimlich died at a hospital in the US city of Cincinnati early on Saturday following complications...

Your NHS is safe with me, says man who can’t ride bike 

Lord Sir Baron Richard Branson MBE OBE BFD has insisted that the hospitals he's taking over from the NHS are perfectly safe in his hands. This despite him not being competent to ride a bike. Saint...

Hunt solves NHS waiting list crisis with introduction of geological clock

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has solved the problem of NHS waiting times by making hospitals use the geological clock.  After coming under increasing pressure from everyone to sod off and die, Mr Hunt has today...

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