NHS boffins have rolled out the big guns this week, spending over half of their £42.50 IT budget on futuristic anti-virus software.
“We needed someone who knows our Windows 95 computer system inside out” said Dr Holby City, chief of NHS software “we needed a real veteran, someone who’s always been helpful and has never let us down, someone who’s relentlessly chirpy despite the low pay and long working hours. Who better than Clippit the MS Word Paperclip?”
Clippit already knows how to help out with a formal letter or school report, now he’s been trained to instruct on triple heart bypasses and colonoscopies too.
“These hackers are mostly teenagers living in their parents basements” said Dr Brian Cortex, a leading brain surgeon “most of these kids weren’t even born when Clippit first graced our PC screens. He’s got WordArt, Wingdings and a CD-ROM of Encyclopaedia Brittanica – these kids won’t know what’s hit them!”
Theresa May has also promised further resources to the flagging NHS, she plans to generously recycle used bandages and left over body parts from those who use private healthcare, these will then be gifted to regular people who use the NHS. These second hand medicines and hand-me-down organs will be left in a skip outside of A&E departments, she hopes this new scheme will “really help out the nurses, teachers, hardworking families and other such plebs”