Gillette admit razors not suitable for sensitive skin

International razor brand Gillette has admitted that after years of investment, their product is not suitable for the delicate skin of the modern day manchild Despite introducing blade, after...

Scientists confounded after man who left coat on still felt the benefit

Scientists around the globe are reeling this afternoon after a Rochdale man who didn’t take his coat off this morning still felt the benefit of wearing a coat when he went outside for a cigarette this afternoon.
Couple with dog

Season your pets before leaving them in a hot car

do With temperatures hitting 30°C across the nation, dog owners have been warned to pay special attention to their four legged friends. Each year the RSPCA recieves dozens of complaints of animals locked in hot cars,...
knitting

16 Dead In Rochdale Women’s Institute Needle Exchange Hep B Outbreak

The Department of Health have launched an inquiry into an outbreak of Hepatitis B at a Rochdale WI knitting needle swap scheme after untreated cases resulted in the death of sixteen members.  Problems seemed to...
Overweight

Government isn’t spending enough on health, says chain-smoking binge-drinker who doesn’t go to gym

An overweight chain-smoking binge-drinker who never does any exercise has confirmed that this government isn't spending enough money on ensuring that his health care requirements are met. Following the budget announcement on Thursday that this...

Living in Italy and eating really nice food might cure depression, confirms Institute of...

The institute for the blindingly obvious has today proclaimed that living in Italy and eating nice food may help depression. Professor Frederick Seddon of Rochdale College told us, "The researchers looked at 2 groups of...

Public Health Warning-Skittles Ban comes into effect.

The popular sweets Skittles will today be banned from sale all across the world after news has emerged that just 3 of them contain lethal poison after US Presidential candidate Donald Trump uncovered the...
Gove and Trump Tourette's

NHS Swamped by Tourette’s outbreak after Gove and Trump footage surfaces

Accident and Emergency departments across the country collapsed utterly this morning after thousands of people swamped hospitals with suspected cases of Tourette's Syndrome.
Ebola

‘Deadly viruses don’t kill people, people kill people,’ claims Ebola

In a bid to improve its reputation as one of the world's most lethal pathogens, the Ebola virus has today sought to shift the blame for its deadly effects onto people. The virus, which was...
Michael Gove

Women seeking cosmetic surgery to make their genitals look like Michael Gove

The Labia Party have announced new plans to make vaginal cosmetic surgery available on the NHS. The announcement follows news that millions of women and some pre-teeners are requesting cosmetic surgery as they are...
Hospital

Salisbury hospital closes and two critically injured after being exposed to Jeremy hunt

Salisbury hospital was closed today and 2 people are still critically ill today amidst extraordinary scenes said to be the result of Jeremy Hunt. The incident first started when patients began to feel nauseous. Dr...

Smug twat who gave up smoking for New Year has no friends left

New depths of smugness have been plumbed by a man in Clitheroe who gave up smoking on the 1st of January. Tomothy Morning-Wood, who had been a smoker for over 30 years until January 2018,...

Crossfit cult ‘survivor’ makes full recovery after being rescued

A former member of the cult of Crossfit, Steve ‘Tits’ Day, has spoken for the first time having made a full recovery from his formerly toned and healthy condition. Happily now surrounded by pizza boxes...
Hospital

If you lot weren’t so clumsy we wouldn’t need A&E, says Jeremy Hunt

The Minister for Health, Jeremy Hunt, has stated during an interview with our reporter that the pressure felt by A&E staff up and down the country is in no way related to the systematic...

Rochdale Infirmary to Trial Office Hours

Due to severe cut backs, Rochdale Infirmary is to trial working office hours only. This is a first in the UK since the inception of the NHS. The proposal will see the busy hospital...
sperm bank

Despite Brexit vote UK National Sperm Bank to close due to wanker shortage

Despite all evidence to the contrary the U.K. Is suffering from a profound wanker shortage after the National Sperm Bank recruited only seven wankers in two years.

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