Rochdale paramedics

Emergency services overwhelmed after public blinded by David Dimbleby’s tie

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Emergency Services are at the point of absolute collapse this evening after millions tuned in to the BBC to watch the exit polls this evening without wearing protective eyewear and were blinded by David Dimbleby's...
Green

Inside the Dark Underbelly of Kensington: Salad Dealers

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Our Herald undercover reporter uncovers the sinister side of the illegal Kensington salad trade. It’s 2 a.m. and I’m standing outside an all-night coffee shop in London’s Kensington High Street, waiting, as Lou Reed so...
Angry man, steam coming from ears

Stickupthearseitis

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A new disease, spread apparently by social media, is endangering the nation. Stickupthearseitis affects hundreds of people everyday and symptoms include getting salty over satire and being a twat in the comment sections. “I have suffered...

World Health Organisation on standby as UK confirms youngest ever case of man-flu

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Officials at the World Health Organisation have raised the threat level of a global pandemic to full alert.
Bunk Beds

Government to end NHS bed shortage by installing bunk beds

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Health - A recent Government initiative has been announced to replace traditional hospital beds with bunk beds. This scheme was recently trialed in one hospital in Surrey with Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt hailing it...
Hippy shit

Two kids remember something – proves some hippy shit totally

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With all the scientific rigour of a hippy Merlin with a bone through his nose, the BBC headlines recently included the assertion that the herb rosemary really does help memory. A study, which was almost...

Hospital waiting times longest ever as people queue to abuse Boris Johnson

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"Waiting times for the NHS in England are the longest ever and it's because people are waiting so they can abuse Boris Johnson." Rochdale resident Stan Still told us, "I wanted the opportunity to see...
analogue

Government digital service actually still analogue

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The government’s “digital service”, a branch of the cabinet office and the one that was meant to protect the government’s computer systems against cyber attack, is apparently still using analogue equipment, the Rochdale Herald...
Doctors

You can’t lock up surgeons for behaving like sociopaths, we’d have none left rules...

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The NHS breathed a deep sigh of relief today after Judge Ian Pringle QC ruled that you can't send surgeons to prison just for behaving like coked up sociopaths.

Which filthy johnny foreigner should you blame for Covid-19?

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All over Britain, McDonald's branches are silent and your gran might die from Covid-19. The PC libtards say this is a result of complex factors interplaying that mean that a novel virus can spread...
Theresa May

Theresa May Sectioned for safety after gibberish speech about Brexit

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The Prime Minister was taken into protective custody at a secure mental health unit this afternoon, for her own safety. A spokesperson for Meadows and Flowers, a clinic located on a small islet off the...

Evil Tory bastards sign off on pay increase for 1.3 million NHS workers

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Over a million NHS staff including front line nurses and paramedics are expected to receive 6% pay increases, the Rochdale Herald has been told.

Well I’ve never caught anything off my kids before, Facebook mum lies

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Before 2020, Rochdale mum Di Coughlan had rarely posted anything other than pictures of her adorable children and grimacing husband.  That all changed a couple of months ago, when a new profile filter "#Stay...

Shoppers rejoice as bendy bananas sneak back into supermarkets after Commons vote

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UK shoppers were in ecstasy as bendy bananas made a comeback into British supermarkets following Parliament’s decision to allow Prime Minister Theresa May to trigger article 50. Although bendy bananas are not strictly allowed...
Toxic Sign

Trump gives a shot in the arm to 2020 Darwin Awards

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President Donald Trump has thrown an unexpected and much appreciated lifeline to the 2020 Darwin Awards. The well-known website which describes itself as  a "salute the improvement of the human genome by honoring those who...

Man receives bravery award for going into work with Cold

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A Rochdale man was praised for his bravery and selfless act of dedication this morning after he heroically battled through the worst cold he has ever had to show up for a meeting for...

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