Women seeking cosmetic surgery to make their genitals look like Michael Gove

The Labia Party have announced new plans to make vaginal cosmetic surgery available on the NHS. The announcement follows news that millions of women and some pre-teeners are requesting cosmetic surgery as they are...

Stoner Relieved Global Conspiracy to Crush the Poor Not Just Weed-Induced Paranoia

Danny Moss, 41, of Milnrow happily cancelled his upcoming trip to the psychiatrist after finally concluding that there really is a shadowy cabal trying to take over the world. The appointment, which clashed with a rerun of Time...
Overweight

Government isn’t spending enough on health, says chain-smoking binge-drinker who doesn’t go to gym

An overweight chain-smoking binge-drinker who never does any exercise has confirmed that this government isn't spending enough money on ensuring that his health care requirements are met.Following the budget announcement on Thursday that this...
Hospital

If you lot weren’t so clumsy we wouldn’t need A&E, says Jeremy Hunt

The Minister for Health, Jeremy Hunt, has stated during an interview with our reporter that the pressure felt by A&E staff up and down the country is in no way related to the systematic...

Britain’s Children Rejoice as Broccoli Rationed

Playgrounds and schools all over the country were full of joyous celebration as Britain's children heard that Broccoli has been rationed."Fabbolishus!", declared Ryan Whingeing (8) from Scumbag Primary School, Rochdale. "The green poison is...
Cross Eyed Man

The light shines out of my arse, says man who got toothpaste and Anusol...

Rochdale resident Des Spondent, 46, was getting ready for work one dark morning when the mix-up occurred.The sores in his mouth miraculously healed, and the toothpaste caused a shiny, ultra-white light to come from...

Homeopathy shop closed after vegan snake oil found to contain old wives tails

A Rochdale homeopathy shop has been forced to close this week after it was discovered to be selling vegan snake oil containing old wives tails.Moonbeam Charlatan, 45, owner of the popular Never Better "alternative...
Doctor

Government to solve doctor shortage by drafting in Job Centre  assessors

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt outlined plans today to "fill the doctor void" with medically untrained Job Centre staff.The move has come under heavy criticism from The British Medical Association, leading Labour MP's and even...

NHS to be shut down so sick people can get used to feeling poorly 

In a shock move Sunday UK chancellor Philip Hammond, announced that his first budget on Wednesday will outline plans for a complete end to all funding for the National Health Service in an effort...

Nutters shouldn’t be stigmatised says Theresa May

The hidden injustice of mental illness is something that Tories really care about, claims the woman who heads a party that has cut mental health provisioning back so far you can see its bone...
Fruit Salad

Fruit salad cancer risk

Fruit salads may cause cancer, top Latvian scientists have found. The study, published in Eat My Carcinoma, has sent shockwaves through fruit communities and undermines the long-held belief that this ancient food can help...
Vaping

Vaping kills claims tobacco company spokesperson

A shocking revelation has come to light in a study recently carried out by reputable cancer stick manufacturer, Rechmond Stirrling.However, the outcome has been accused of being “cloudy and unfounded.” by a leading expert...

Morrissey spends days in bed

Tragic news has reached us here at The Rochdale Herald for all lovers of the morbid mopheaded muso and former front man of The Smith's, Morrissey.Today we have learnt that the singer, whose real...
Doctors

NHS struggling as electorate shoots itself in the other foot

With the General Election all done bar the shouting, cut-stricken NHS emergency departments are struggling this morning after 43% of the nation shot itself in the foot yesterday in a massive game of Russian...
E-Cigarette

E-Cigarettes create ‘Super Organ’

E-Cigarettes cause your internal organs to fuse together creating one large ‘super organ’ that later bursts, scientists have found.The two-year study, which followed heavy users of the increasingly popular nicotine delivery system, showed signs of minor organ fusion...

NHS hospitals to sell postcards to capitalise on booming health tourism

The Department of Health issued a press release this morning announcing that all NHS hospitals were to begin retailing postcards in order to capitalise on the booming health tourism market.“With an estimated five hundred...

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