The Minister for Health, Jeremy Hunt, has stated during an interview with our reporter that the pressure felt by A&E staff up and down the country is in no way related to the systematic under-funding and back-door privatisation of the NHS, but is instead down to people, by and large, being too clumsy.

“Look, I appreciate that A&E, free at the point of use, is a very appealing idea, but what we need to do is remove this sense of entitlement that people in the UK seem to have towards life-saving medical treatment, and focus on preventative measures instead.

“One example I can think of straight away is pregnancy – in my role I’ve managed to never get pregnant myself and when my partner did we jolly well had a private birthing suite at a top hospital booked MONTHS in advance.

“I know people will say ‘what about complications?’ to which I reply that nobody likes to pay a booking fee or wait in an online queue, but these are the responsibilities of a new parent.

“Similarly, while I understand that manual laborers may well sustain injury on the job, by removing A&E’s altogether what we are actually doing is motivating that laborer, after the fact, that what he or she should have done was studied harder at school and got an indoor job that didn’t involve power-tools or heights.

“Lastly, and again following on the theme of personal responsibility, we need to stop giving emergency medical treatment away to people with pre-existing conditions – if you happen to be blind, and fall over and break your arm, don’t waste the time of your A&E department – visit your GP, or talk to 111, as the injury is blindness RELATED.

“Amputees will similarly not be given medical treatment for slips, falls or trips in future, but will simply have an additional prosthetic limb attached, making them instantly 33% more strong and stable, a figure the last Labour health minister could only dream about…”

A spokeswoman for a national disabilities charity responded to Mr Hunt’s interview statements by saying “How has nobody smashed his stupid, posh, twatty face into a wall yet?!”

This reporter has to agree that THAT is the question most confusing to the British public right now.

Nb. This article in no way endorses, condones or calls for violent action to be taken against Mr Hunt.

What we’re saying is HOW has it not happened yet? Answers on a postcard to…