Danny Moss, 41, of Milnrow happily cancelled his upcoming trip to the psychiatrist after finally concluding that there really is a shadowy cabal trying to take over the world.
The appointment, which clashed with a rerun of Time Team anyway, will now be available to those with more serious mental health needs.
Danny, known as “D-man” to his friends, suffered from the nagging suspicion that he had chronic paranoia as a result of his five-joint-a-day habit. “I mean, what’s more likely, that there’s an intricate worldwide conspiracy to suppress the poor, or that I’ve been hitting it too hard?”
Danny’s worries were made even worse by his friends who often mocked him for his elaborate theories. “Simon and Matt were always taking the p*** out of me. If I couldn’t find my keys, they’d ask me if I’d checked in the pockets of my New World Order or something. I couldn’t win.”
Watching the news or doing research online only made it worse. “Every day it was the same. I’d check the supposedly impartial media and think, whoa man, they can’t possibly be THAT biased. Maybe you better lay off it a bit.”
Recently though, even Simon and Matt have begun to suspect that something is wrong. “In the old days, if I mentioned the boiling point of steel they’d get this look on their face like I’m an idiot or something. Now though, they just go get another beer.”
Some small setbacks aside, years of depression and self doubt have finally been lifted, leaving Danny to enjoy the six to eighteen months we all have left. “I’ve got to admit, I did think it was gonna be the Yanks herding us up with killer robots rather than the Russians with idiots. Still, you can’t have everything.”
Danny is already resigned to his fate in one of the soon to be constructed Holocaust Centres. “It’ll be worth it in a way, just to see Simon and Matt’s faces as we’re all dragged off to the gas chambers. I told them voting Brexit had its dangers but would they listen?”
He laughs, interrupted by coughing up some phlegm, and what looks like a piece of yellowed lung.
“Only kidding. They’ll probably be operating the gas chambers.”
“But at least I’ll get to say ‘I told you so!’”