Hunt solves NHS waiting list crisis with introduction of geological clock

Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has solved the problem of NHS waiting times by making hospitals use the geological clock.  After coming under increasing pressure from everyone to sod off and die, Mr Hunt has today...
Doctors

NHS struggling as electorate shoots itself in the other foot

With the General Election all done bar the shouting, cut-stricken NHS emergency departments are struggling this morning after 43% of the nation shot itself in the foot yesterday in a massive game of Russian...

Celebrities reveal best detox is to take money from idiots

Celebrities have allegedly been explaining how the best detox is to take money from idiots. In a statement celebrity food blogger Andrew Coconut Fox said, "The best thing to do is identify a vegetable or...
Hospital

Lovely Grandma catches racism after wiping bottom on Daily Mail

A lovely old grandma who contracted racism during a trip to Burnley last week is in a "serious condition" after being admitted to an isolation unit in Rochdale. NHS Rochdale has confirmed that the racism...
Snake

Snake oil cures are for idiots, say snakes

A spokesnake for snakes everywhere has said that snake oil cures not one single disease known to man. "I get that being mortal is terrifying stuff, but you really have to wonder at the sense...

Robots refusing cyber attack vaccine due to autism fears

The UK's robots have told the Government that they will refuse a vaccine that provides protection from computer viruses, over fears it could cause autism. Speaking from a car factory in Sunderland Gary West told...

Its not Lupus.

Hypochondriacs around the UK were said to be giddy with the excitement at the prospect of a new NHS website that will encourage them to diagnose themselves using their smartphones. Barbara Dickinson of Rochdale said; "I've...
British Homeopath

British Homeopathy Association to strike over watered down labelling

The British Homeopathy Association has announced a planned strike over government plans to label their medication as being ‘useless’. The head of the British Homeopathic Association announced the move. There will be a .00000001 second strike...

Gillette admit razors not suitable for sensitive skin

International razor brand Gillette has admitted that after years of investment, their product is not suitable for the delicate skin of the modern day manchild Despite introducing blade, after...

Homeopathy shop closed after vegan snake oil found to contain old wives tails

A Rochdale homeopathy shop has been forced to close this week after it was discovered to be selling vegan snake oil containing old wives tails. Moonbeam Charlatan, 45, owner of the popular Never Better "alternative...
Cross Eyed Man

The light shines out of my arse, says man who got toothpaste and Anusol...

Rochdale resident Des Spondent, 46, was getting ready for work one dark morning when the mix-up occurred. The sores in his mouth miraculously healed, and the toothpaste caused a shiny, ultra-white light to come from...

World hunger solved after Jeremy Corbyn urinates on field

World hunger has been declared over after Jeremy Corbyn urinated on a field just outside Rochdale. One aide told us, "Jeremy was returning from one of his meet and greets with local activists. He'd had...
Katie Hopkins

Massive chip dislocates Katie Hopkins shoulder

There were grave concerns for Katie Hopkins today when the massive chip she uses as a shoulder deepened and caused her arm to calve from the giant ice shelf that is the rest of...
anti-vaxxer

My kids weren’t vaccinated and the one who didn’t die is okay says anti-vaxxer

Tracy O'Daffy of Middleton is heading a campaign to raise awareness of the dangers of vaccination throughout the Rochdale area. Tracy has been a long time 'Anti Vaxxer', meaning that she is strongly against vaccination...

Smallbridge Flats Man Convinced Pigeon Likes to Watch him Hoover Naked

While spending a good portion of his weekly income on the Euromillions, Mr. Garry Lee Shaw complained about the fifth or even sixth time that week that he’d seen the exact same pigeon outside...

British Public shocked to learn Pizza and San Miguel not Mediterranean Diet

Rochdalians are being reminded today that having a deep pan 16 inch spicy meat special doesn't count as following a Mediterranean diet- even if you've preceded it with 12 bottles of San Miguel.  The reminder...

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