A variant of the antibiotic-resistant superbug MRSA normally found in old Etonians and Conservative Party politicians has found its way into the nation’s food supply via pork, tests have revealed.

“This particular variant is not usually an issue unless you’ve been a boarder at a public school,” said epidemiologist Anne De Septick of Rochdale Community University, “and it is mostly spread via oral sex. How this Tory STI got into pigs we can only speculate.”

Though it could infect some farm workers in the pork industry, experts insist that as long as they wash their hands before eating they’re at little risk.

Likewise, consumers who ensure that they only eat properly cooked pork should be safe.

“As a precaution, you can be vigilant and look out for the tell-tale symptoms of the infection,” advised Dr De Septic, “If you begin attacking the poor, leading the Conservative Party, breaking promises and running away when you don’t get your way on Europe, you should check with your GP to be sure.”

We tried to ask the only Tory not at the conference this year, David Cameron, but he declined to comment.

When the aeons of war left the gods dead and the universe decimated, a single duck rose from the ashes and stood for justice and freedom! It wasn't me, that duck, but we look quite bit alike.