Public Health Warning-Skittles Ban comes into effect.

The popular sweets Skittles will today be banned from sale all across the world after news has emerged that just 3 of them contain lethal poison after US Presidential candidate Donald Trump uncovered the...
Nurses

Stressed nurses sick of sick people

Shedloads of stressed-out British nurses are leaving the profession because they are fed up with their working conditions and marginally better than national average pay, according to the Rochdale Nursing Council.    "Since hospitals have...
Cross Eyed Man

The light shines out of my arse, says man who got toothpaste and Anusol...

Rochdale resident Des Spondent, 46, was getting ready for work one dark morning when the mix-up occurred. The sores in his mouth miraculously healed, and the toothpaste caused a shiny, ultra-white light to come from...
Green

Inside the Dark Underbelly of Kensington: Salad Dealers

Our Herald undercover reporter uncovers the sinister side of the illegal Kensington salad trade. It’s 2 a.m. and I’m standing outside an all-night coffee shop in London’s Kensington High Street, waiting, as Lou Reed so...
Katie Hopkins

Massive chip dislocates Katie Hopkins shoulder

There were grave concerns for Katie Hopkins today when the massive chip she uses as a shoulder deepened and caused her arm to calve from the giant ice shelf that is the rest of...
jogging

NHS study shows people with two legs run greater risk of jogging injuries

People with two legs run a greater risk of suffering injuries while jogging or running, a new report published Friday by the NHS shows. According to the report people with two legs are almost 90%...
Hospital

Lovely Grandma catches racism after wiping bottom on Daily Mail

A lovely old grandma who contracted racism during a trip to Burnley last week is in a "serious condition" after being admitted to an isolation unit in Rochdale. NHS Rochdale has confirmed that the racism...

Health scare over psychotic illness which only infects BMW OWNERS!!!

Doctors at Central Rochdale Asylum for Psychosis have issued a health warning over a virus which only infects BMW owners. Doctors have, however, begun work on antiviral treatments. Dr Anita Slowdown explained the symptoms: "First...

World hunger solved after Jeremy Corbyn urinates on field

World hunger has been declared over after Jeremy Corbyn urinated on a field just outside Rochdale. One aide told us, "Jeremy was returning from one of his meet and greets with local activists. He'd had...

Jeremy Hunt Pictures Issued To Stop People Choking

A new cure has been unveiled by the NHS to stop people choking - looking at pictures of Jeremy Hunt. This seemingly controversial move actually has a firm basis in scientific fact. Dr Flo Ofair...

Thousands of Leave voters dead after do not drink labels removed from bottles of...

Several hundred thousand leave voters have died from drinking bleach in the last few days after labels, required under EU health and safety rules, saying not to drink the stuff were removed by manufacturers. "Clearly...

Woman killed by drinking mineral water 15 minutes older than best before date

A Rochdale resident was found dead at home today after consuming a bottle of water 15 minutes past its expiry date. Police told the Herald that they believed the woman had died sometime over the weekend. Forensic scientist...

Rochdale Infirmary to Trial Office Hours

Due to severe cut backs, Rochdale Infirmary is to trial working office hours only. This is a first in the UK since the inception of the NHS. The proposal will see the busy hospital...
Theresa May

Theresa May Sectioned for safety after gibberish speech about Brexit

The Prime Minister was taken into protective custody at a secure mental health unit this afternoon, for her own safety. A spokesperson for Meadows and Flowers, a clinic located on a small islet off the...

NHS admit to clicking ‘remind me later’ on McAfee update for seven years straight

NHS digital has come under fire from computer security professionals; as an investigation into yesterday's Malware virus has revealed NHS used McAfee and hadn't updated it in seven years. "Honestly, bloody McAfee?" Said digital security expert Mike...
Hospital

Hospitals to open thousands of ‘transition wards’ to end winter crisis

Health - Health Secretary James Hunt today told The Rochdale Herald that a "space restructurement"  at hospitals across the country would put paid to the winter admissions crisis in the nations hospitals. He said his...

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