The NHS is in a state of crisis after its computer was hacked earlier today.

Patients requiring emergency care are being re-routed to different hospitals around the country, after it was also revealed that receptionist, Yvonne, lost the green booking in pen amongst the chaos.

Chief Technical Officer for the NHS, Rudyard Cecil Clayton said;

“It’s caused havoc with the valves. I knew something was wrong when I heard deededededdeeeshhhhhdededdiddlydesh for about fifteen minutes. 

Someone put a tape in D.O.R.A, the NHS mainframe. It has nefarious code on it. I can see it through the top of the deck. I think the numbers equate to letters of the alphabet.”

He continued; “It’s asking us for credit card details but I can’t get the cassette out, the tape is all tangled around the spools. It’s proper fucked.”

Updates to follow.