The Government has this morning announced, it has begun the “pocket full of posies” phase of its Coronavirus plan.

Spokesman Bill Board said, “We use the same system that was designed in the 17th century for coordinating these things. Up until now we’ve been in the “Ring a ring ‘o roses” phase. There are are 3 further phases. Atishoo 1 and Atishoo 2 then the phase about all falling down.”

The plans include journalists wearing plague doctor masks when interviewing. Politicians are also expected to increase the frequency they are seen in badly fitting lab coats attempting to look like they know how to use a pipette.

The Government spokesman said, “It’s improving that people don’t panic. Roads must be kept open to allow emergency vehicles through. This will also make it easier for the Government to evacuate the country.”

Elsewhere today various organisations have been setting out their plans for dealing with the virus. The Church of England has said it intends to increase the frequency of prayer sessions whilst the Catholic Church has promised to start burning homosexuals at the stake and ensuring women are kept indoors last their sexual urges cause them to start spreading the virus.

The British Association of Chavpreneurs has also announced it intends to maintain high prices for hand sanitizer and toilet rolls by its members going out and continuing to buy all the stock in Aldi and Lidl and selling it on Ebay.

In other news a local man that failed GCSE Science is now an expert on evolutionary biology and virology. He’ll be releasing his latest paper at a symposium to be held at various branches of Rochdale Wetherspoons later today. Other speakers include various conspiracy theorists whose intellect is too limited to accept evolution. They have taken time out of their busy schedule of shouting, “We won you lost” to attend.

In addition to all of this there are reports that flamethrower manufacturers are struggling to keep up with demand after an Australian TV company revealed flamethrower to be 100% effective against viruses. B&Q is bracing itself.