A spokesnake for snakes everywhere has said that snake oil cures not one single disease known to man.

“I get that being mortal is terrifying stuff, but you really have to wonder at the sense of some people. I mean I’m a snake, and so are some of my best friends. If the oil that you people think we somehow miraculous produce is so good for you, why do snakes get ill at all?! I had flu last month, better lick some of my own mystery oil! Ha! Checkmate, see?! Ask a vet, dickheads!”

A passing rhino was heard to comment “Don’t get me started on these tossers, mate!” while a nearby bear said nothing, on account of having it’s gall bladder wired up to a milk bottle.

A leading naturopath countered these claims, saying “If you had the cure for cancer dripping off YOUR scaly tits, YOU’D want to keep it schtum too, wouldn’t you?!”

So there we have it – on the one hand, we have a species known historically for it’s lies, deceptive nature and toxicity… and on the other, we have the snake.