Doctors at Central Rochdale Asylum for Psychosis have issued a health warning over a virus which only infects BMW owners. Doctors have, however, begun work on antiviral treatments.
Dr Anita Slowdown explained the symptoms: “First signs are an inability to tell the difference between red and green.”
“Then victims can only drive in the overtaking lane of motorways. Later symptoms include tailgating any vehicle they can find whilst constantly tapping the brakes. Eventually, the sufferer becomes a hateful wreck, intent on creating a 120mph pile up.”
Doctor Slowdown introduced patient Ben McWanker, a sufferer of 17 years. Before treatment, he was shown a picture of a road sign near a primary school that read “Danger: Children Crossing”. His response was “They needn’t bother. Five-year-olds barely put a dent in my BMW.”
Asked if he understood safety concerns about his driving, he responded “Safety concerns!? Safety doesn’t give a fuck. Safety just wants these idling wankers off the road.”
Just 10 minutes after treatment, McWanker could recognise the sign AND take his bloody foot off the gas.
Currently the treatment only lasts for 24 hours. “BMW induced twattishness will take much research to beat,” explained Dr Slowdown. Nevertheless, there is hope that the makers of indicators for BMWs may finally discover some meaning in their lives.
Sadly, there is no news on a cure for Audi drivers, whose symptoms can, if anything, be worse; including complete shrinkage of the penis, and chips on their shoulders that grow if everyone doesn’t show absolute deference to their beloved twatwagons.
UPDATE: turns out there isn’t a cure and German car drivers are just twats.