Despite all evidence to the contrary the UK is suffering from a profound wanker shortage after the National Sperm Bank recruited only seven wankers in two years.

“It’s incredible really,” Mike Oxlong, Director at The National Sperm Bank told us, “17 million wankers vote for Brexit and we can’t persuade any of them to do it in a cup for thirty five quid a throw.”

The National Sperm Bank opened two years ago with a grant of £77,000 from The Department of Health, with which they only were able to recruit seven “contributors”.

“How they spunked eighty grand up the wall in two years, or rather, didn’t, I have no idea.” A spokesfluffer told us. “Farage and Boris managed to recruit 17 million wankers by taking money out of their pockets. We’re offering a comfy chair, a porno and thirty five quid and nobody shows up. Perhaps it’s for the best.”

It would seem we have no shortage of lazy wankers, useless wankers, racist wankers and gullible wankers but virtually no useful or productive wankers. Pity.

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.