Almost a quarter of the nation’s hospitals have turned to stripping to make up for funding shortfalls, according to a new report.
Commissioned by a group of Ralf Little fans and shared exclusively with the Rochdale Herald, the report found that government cuts have forced dozens of NHS medical facilities to seek alternative sources of income, with many entering the adult entertainment industry.
“It’s easy money really, and it’s less degrading than begging the Health Secretary for more funding,” one general hospital told the Herald.
“Before getting into dancing, I tried to blag a few hundred million pounds by pretending to be a private rail company, but I got busted when they discovered that my patient waiting times were considerably shorter than those of your average train passenger.”
Many of the hospitals interviewed said that they had been attracted to the profession by the flexible working hours and the potential to earn large sums of money in a relatively short space of time. They dismissed concerns that the ‘get rich quick’ mentality sometimes associated with the business would lure them into the shady world of private healthcare, with most saying that remaining accessible to the general public would always be their top priority.
“Most of the punters are nice enough and only come to the club because they don’t get enough attention from their own local hospital,” said one psychiatric hospital from the north of England.
“You do occasionally get drunken arseholes coming in and causing hassle, mainly rich City-types attempting to slip private patients into your garter or asking if their company can stick a clinic into one of your empty wards.
“Last week I even had some flashy bloke with a beard asking me if I was a Virgin, the creep.”
The Department of Health called the report “concerning” but insisted that NHS spending was at a record high and that hospitals would continue to be provided with adequate funding.
“We do everything we can to make sure that our hospitals are properly financed and able to support themselves as much as possible,” said a DoH spokesman.
“However, if they want to go flaunting themselves in those seedy clubs because they want a bit of extra cash to waste on things like beds and qualified staff then that’s up to them.”
Meanwhile, the Government has strenuously denied allegations that Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt was recently seen entering a Soho lapdancing club with a large wad of agency nurses in his back pocket.