London drivers are currently outraged at London mayor Sadiq Khan’s plans to reduce cyclists deaths.

“Over half of cyclist deaths in the capital involve construction type trucks with high cabs and large wheels and very little visibility and massive turning arcs,” said a mayoral spokesperson, “and over the next four to six years we intend to reduce the amount of traffic of this kind, banning the least safe ones altogether.”

Whilst cycling charities and people who aren’t utter shits welcomed the idea, some drivers were enraged.
“Cycling don’t pay a f***ing penny in road tax! They don’t pay a f***ing penny in insurance either,” said Dagenham Dave, a cab driver, “Why should my taxes be spent on saving their lives if they ain’t gonna chip in?”

“They fink they f***in own the bloody roads, they do!” agreed Marge Jones from Redditch.

White ‘ghost cycles’ festooned with flowers and tributes are a common sight in London.

“I’m quite glad that the mayor doesn’t think that my right not be crushed to death, leaving a grieving young family, isn’t dependent on whether or not I get a free ride in the paranoid minds of angry tabloid readers,” said Alex Peddler, a bloke who rides a bike, “especially as I actually do pay road tax, have a car etc but thought perhaps it might be alright to use a bike in a congested city without my death being wished upon me.”

This piece stopped being satirical at some point after realising that the comments sections of newspaper sites, reporting this actually are full of those comments- and worse, including the conspiracy theory that hauliers and truckers are white and Muslim Khan is seeking revenge for the death of brown bike couriers.