The NHS is in crisis, dead bodies litter corridors and elderly people lie stranded, a trip hazard for nurses, and a health and safety nightmare.

The Prime Minister has issued another five-point plan today:

• Patients will share beds. Theresa May said that she paid a lot of money to get into bed with the DUP so she didn’t see why patients on the NHS shouldn’t bed-share for free.

• Only one meal a day will be provided – brunch. This tackles obesety, budget cuts and staff shortages at the same time.

• Patients have the right to one strip-wash a month, whether they need it or not.

• Bed-time will be earlier. Patients will be settled for the night at 11 in the morning, so nurses don’t need to talk to or supervise them. It also cuts the risk of falls and, let’s face it, as Mrs May said, a fall can ruin lives.

• Televisions are banned. Patients will iron their own sheets to alleviate the crushing boredom.

With a growing air of excitement, the Prime Minister announced that this plan will be extended to social care by early 2019.

To reduce the number of home visits by care staff, elderly neighbours will be tucked into bed with each other (three in a double and four in a king size). The proximity will keep bodies warm and, with hot water bottles and extra cardies, reduce the number of deaths from hypothermia.

Jeremy Hunt did not respond to our request for comment as he was sniggering into his sleeve.