“Waiting times for the NHS in England are the longest ever and it’s because people are waiting so they can abuse Boris Johnson.”
Rochdale resident Stan Still told us, “I wanted the opportunity to see Boris Johnson so I could tell him what a waste of space he is. If you go to Downing Street and try this you get arrested but here, Boris is happy to be seen being a man of the people. So, I poked myself in the eye with a wooden spoon and here I am. Where is the fat, lying motherf***r?”
Several children interviewed at a hospital in London said, “Boris is our dad. This is the only way we’ll ever get to meet him as he won’t acknowledge our existence. I can’t wait until he turns up. It’ll be like that long lost family show.”
Doctor Beverley Shipman told us, “It’s getting worse. The other day I got to work and people were queuing out of the door. Only 5 of them genuinely had something wrong with them. At least 80 percent of people were there to just abuse Boris Johnson. We’ve had to hire a look-alike and put him in a booth at the otherside of the hospital. The problem is he’s like cat nip for female technology entrepreneurs for some reason. Yet, he’s been here a week and we still can’t get 4G.”
It’s also been revealed that at least 10 percent of hospital attendees are there to check-in on Facebook. Orla Board told us, “I overdosed on Calpol so I could come and check-in online and moan about my wait. It’s the most likes I’ve ever had.”
The NHS has refused to comment on allegations they will begin supplementing their income by selling Boris Johnson UK hospital tour t-shirts.