The NHS has declared that it’s probably a better use of money to invest in tap water than provide homeopathy provision.

NHS spokesperson Dr Gary Tackle said, “Frankly we’ve never had much luck with homeopathy. For instance, car crash victims tend to find it’s useless for their needs. People who’ve been injured in industrial accidents tend not to recover well using it and people who’ve had heart attacks or strokes tend not to respond well.

It only seems to show any efficacy in people who have nothing wrong with them.”
But top homeopaths disagree. One told us, “Homeopathy cannot be understood by scientists. It requires 2 hours laborious training at an non-accredited university in California to truly understand it.

Many of my patients have the potential to suffer from disease but with my careful care and consultation they don’t suffer. Take me for example. I’ve been using homeopathy for 10 years and haven’t had cancer at all in that time.”

Dr Frederick Seddon of Rochdale college told us, “Of course they say modern science cannot understand it. It’s absolute bollocks and goes against the laws of physics and chemistry.”

But nurses and junior doctors have welcomed the move. One saying, “I hear Jeremy Hunt is into homeopathy. Anything that might piss that little worm off has to be good.”

Staff Nurse Fleisher-Braun said “It’s a ridiculous concept. If pubs diluted 10 mL of beer with 558 mL of water you’d take it back. But homeopathy teaches that water has memory so it’ll remember the alcohol structure.

But is that a good thing?

When you consider what I’ve just flushed down the toilet. You wouldn’t want it remembering that.”