Rooney: taking are cuntry bak
As the second half of the Manchester derby got underway, reports were coming in that Wayne Rooney had joined Britain First.
During the halftime team...
Britain begins cheap cocaine and animal abuse phase of lockdown easing
The Government has announced that horse racing can begin again from today.
A spokesman said, "From today people will be able to gather in groups...
Vegan runs Great South Run without telling anybody he’s a vegan
A vegan has reportedly completed the Great South Run today without feeling the need to tell everyone.
“Curling is so boring I needed vodka Red Bulls to stay awake” says banned...
As the Olympic curling competition reaches its 14th straight day, Russian athlete Alexander Krushelnitsky has tested positive for the stimulant RedBull and been banished...
Supermarkets completely free of dickheads right now, for some reason
Supermarkets across the country are reportedly completely dickhead free for the first time since 1990 according to sources.
The complete absence of knuckle dragging fuckwits...
The Beckhams ditch L.A for glorious Rochdale
Today the Herald can exclusively reveal the jaw dropping news that the world's biggest star, glamour model, fashion icon, tireless charity worker and one...
Thousands dead in Daily Mail Olympics tragedy
Thousands of Daily Mail readers are dead today after their heads exploded whilst reading the rag's coverage of the Olympics.
Mild confusion over the juxtaposition...
Costa kicks Conte into touch
Former Chelsea Striker Diego Costa says he did not want to leave the club on bad terms, after being dragged kicking and screaming from...
Euro TV Satellite expected to fall on Rochdale: “Nothing to fear” say boffins
28.2E Astra2/Eurobird1 may not mean anything to most people, but it is very much in the minds of worried Rochdale residents who have recently...
Wayne Rooney retires from International Football to spend more time with other people’s grandmas
Wayne Rooney has announced that he intends to spend more time with other peoples grandmothers after retiring from international football.
Rooney explained, "I've been all...
England ready for Adelaide Ashes Test
Ahead of the second Ashes Test which has just started in Adelaide, England captain Joe Root sought to defuse the simmering tension between the...
FA launch tactical nuclear strike at semi-final of Women’s Euro 2017
The Football Association has long been implacably opposed to the rise of the women’s game. When it first got popular, the FA acted swiftly...
Daily Mail readers push uphill for Gardner
Daily Mail readers have insisted that Dressage individual gold medalist Charlotte Dujardin is renamed Charlie Gardner as her name has been deemed "too French"...
Venus Williams says most recent car insurance quote inspired her Wimbledon run
Venus Williams has revealed that she was inspired to her Wimbledon final appearance by her most recent car insurance quote.
Speaking after finishing runner up,...
England football team looking forward to appearing in final of Celebrity Masterchef
The English football team have confirmed that they're really looking forward to appearing on Celebrity Masterchef next week.
Gareth Southgate said, "Our preparations are going...
Real children take it like a man says Eric Bristow
Overweight, heavy drinking child rape apologist and national embarrassment Eric Bristow has responded to the horrific revelations that young children have been sodomised by a football coach by implying that real children should take it like a man.
