Using drugs that are not banned but enhance performance is definitely not cheating.” That’s what head of British cycling Zammo Maguire says today.

McGuire was speaking after a Parliamentary report was released on alleged doping. One MP, Frank Begbie said, “We asked the Doctor if he had given drugs to riders. The footage should be used as a dementia awareness advert for the NHS. At first he asked what was written on the proscription. Then he told us he must have forgotten to fill it in. Next thing you know he’s forgotten what a drug is. The whole thing turned to farce when he asked where he was.”

Begbie added, “When we asked Zammo about if he knew anything he just stuck his fingers in his ears and started singing, Eye of the Tiger.”

Zammo went on to tell the committee, “none of it was ever written down it must never have happened. Even though one of his riders was passed a brown envelope just before a race. Apparently, that was just a delivery from Readers Digest.”

The allegations are potentially damaging for British Cyclings reputation for clean racing. Whilst potentially damaging, the allegations could mean Zammo now would qualify to run the Russian Olympic Team.

There are also rumours that the funding for both Team Sky and the British Olympic cycling team could be withdrawn. If that happens then funding could come from somewhere else. British cycling has denied it is in talks with Proctor and Gamble and Pfizer.

It’s also been alleged that Chris Froome has now started seeking treatment for profuse sweating. An allegation Froome denies.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.