Shocking news broke this week that not everyone in the UK considers professional cyclists to be routine drug users.

Other media outlets this week revealed that they had found an adult human being with an undamaged ability to perceive the world, who actually considers professional cycling to be a competitive sport without drug use.

“I find the notion that cyclists would routinely take an opiate / amphetamine combination drug to maintain endurance and decrease pain ridiculous,” said Imogen Grant, on tape, to a proper news outfit. We’re serious, this wasn’t in the Canary, it was a proper story, in a proper paper. No, not the Mail, a proper paper.

“As for the idea that cyclists would use supplements to develop their VO2 artificially, or in any way do anything that wasn’t just peddling lots and getting really good at peddling lots, that’s nonsense,” said Imogen.

Ms Grant’s opinion runs contrary to official guidance, whereby Team Sky are so called because either (a) they are high as the sky; (b) as high as you’d have to be to pay for Sky; or (c) a non-libellous option which is definitely the right option.

Team Sky declined to comment.

Probably had the munchies…allegedly.

Like many satirists, Johnny Wapping accepts he is an arsehole, and thinks society could be better if we were all willing to accept what arseholes we are. If you see him on Facebook, why not ask if he's read the article?