The Toon Army are rejoicing following the news that Sports Direct Entrepreneur Sweat Shop owner, Mike Ashley, is to sell the Magpies.

Realising that he is losing money hand-over-fist due to being unable get any of the players on zero-hour minimum wage contracts and get them to clean the club toilets as part of their ‘any other reasonable duties’ clause, Mr Ashley has announced that he is to sell Newcastle United.

The news was initially greeted with mooted enthusiasm from fans who have heard this announcement on two previous occasions and have become resigned to, and generally try to ignore, having their beloved club under the ownership of someone who, by comparison, makes Conrad Black, Kenneth Lay and Charles Ponzi look like bastions ethical business practises. However, hope springs eternal in the ranks of the Toon Army and once #youateallthepies started trending on Twitter people started spilling out on the streets hopeful that before their days are out, they may once again return to the pre-2007 era when all pies at St James’ Park weren’t delivered intravenously to Mike Ashley.

Mr Ashley, who knows sweet FA about football other than how to get a small child to make twenty of them a day in the Far-East for less than a dollar, has also been rumoured to create shortages in the bar when schmoozing his cohorts at games and promising them, in drunken fuelled states akin to ‘that’ dickhead in the Rugby Club that everyone does their best to avoid, vast sums of money if they can find him more pies to eat.
Our reporter met with one fan who talked to him at length on the matter.

However, hailing from the Home Counties, our reporter was unable to understand a single word of it so we are unable to relay the interview to you.