Ahead of the second Ashes Test which has just started in Adelaide, England captain Joe Root sought to defuse the simmering tension between the two sides by holding a joint press conference with his opposite number, Aussie captain Steve Smith.

“Me and Smithy get on great” said Root, smiling and smashing a glass water jug over the Australian’s head. “Of course it’s a tough contest” he continued, ripping Smith’s ear off.

“The thing to remember is, it’s not war, whatever David Warner says; it’s only cricket”.

Addressing the distraction of Ben Stokes arriving in New Zealand, Andrew Strauss, England’s Head Prefect, has confirmed that no decision has been made about whether Stokes will be allowed to join the tour.

“Stokesy has a number of commitments outside bars in New Zealand at the moment and, in light of the fact that Avon & Somerset police are useless, we’re prepared to give Ben the benefit of the doubt.

“He says he was defending his honour after a bloke looked at him funny and I think anyone would have snapped and disembowelled the chap under those circumstances. Bairstow punching the bloke as he was stretchered away is precisely the sort of team spirit we’re looking for. I should just add, Kevin Pietersen is an absolute dick.”

England are one nil down in the series after turning up at the wrong ground for the first game and losing by ten wickets. “Actually, there were many positives to be taken from that thrashing” said Root. “For one thing we worked out how to work the dvd on the bus”.

England will lose the series 5-0.