Football fans worldwide embrace each other in collective schadenfreude

In their smart new uniforms designed by Hugo Boss, Germany’s topsporters had been confident of a victory over the World.  The pundits were confident, but it seems the long range antenna of their prediction apparatus, was a little, how you say, on the Fritz.

In previous visits to Stalingrad, the German sporters had been convinced it was the cold weather which had put paid to their hopes.  But today, you know, the weather was quite warm.  And, well, they still could not get their Hans on the Cup.  So it expected that the coach, well, he will be shot, and the team, will have a nice holiday in a 3 star hotel in Torquay.

We asked a German, Carlotta, what she thought of this.  Not a Lotta it seems, as she refused to comment.  So we asked another German whether this was in fact the wurst performance by a German team in the history of the World Cup, and whether in fact they had ever been knocked out at the group stage before.

“Ja, Ja, one time before, in 1938,” he said, “and I am not German anyway, I am Austrian.”

On learning of the news of the defeat of his boys, Nigel Farage was very sad indeed, but his former colleagues in the UKIPs had a different attitude.  Paul Nuttalls was much more welcoming than before.  Indeed he said it would actually be quite nice to guarantee EU citizens rights so we could all have a German as a neighbour and laugh in their face.

Donald Trump meanwhile reported that his attempts to emulate German success were going well, and in approximately 50 years or so, they will have some American men who can play football as well as their women.