John Lewis advert “Darkly Sinister”
John Lewis, purveyors of things that ultimately no one needs or wants, has made everything better with a darkly sinister tale about a black...
Jim Bowen to be placed in burning speedboat in viking funeral
Jim Bowen, the comedian and inventor of darts is to receive a full viking funeral.
Mr Bowen, who invented the game of "darts" in the...
Rees-Mogg puts his clock back 200 years
Jacob Rees-Mogg has, today woken up in 1818 after instructing his Valet to put his clock back 200 years.
His Butler, Riff Raff told us,...
Mensa exam to be replaced by attempting to sync iTunes
International high IQ club Mensa has announced plans to scrap their famously difficult entrance exam, and replace it with a quest to negotiate Apple's...
Gyms too fucking busy, confirm everybody
Britain's gyms are in a state of absolute chaos as billions of people descended on them today.
It was standing room only in every single...
People who tell it like it is always bloody cretins, reveal experts
Ground-breaking cooperative research between experts in Linguistics, Social Sciences, and Psychology sheds light on evidence that those who "tell it like it is" are...
Revealed: your top 5 favourite ways to explain Corbyn losing a general election to...
Jeremy Corbyn is the people's champion and the most popular politician in England, so, just how do the people of Rochdale think he lost...
Remain Voter Desperately Waiting for Pound to Die
Due to an almost pathological desire to be proven correct, a Remain voter is obsessively checking the sterling exchange rate for signs of terminal illness.
"A bad...
SAS chiefs approach Liberal Democrats for tips on staying out of sight.
It has been revealed today that bosses of the Special Air Service, or SAS, the British special forces, attempted to contact the Liberal Democrat...
Theresa May ready to deny TV debate ever took place
The BBC and ITV are to defy Conservative Party wishes and air live debates between participating parties before the upcoming June election.
An inside source...
Kaiser Chiefs hurriedly rerelease ‘I Predict a Riot’
As crowds of surprisingly calm protesters gather at Westminister to demand the resignation of the recently elected droid, Maybot 2.0, The Kaiser Chiefs are...
Islamic poppies being considered by the Royal British Legion
Islamic poppies, which would be green, with a white star and crescent, are being discussed by the Royal British Legion.
This has predictably stirred up...
Corbyn supports hunting with dogs repeal in Government manifesto
Jeremy Corbyn has pledged to support the Conservative Party's promise to repeal the fox hunting ban.
This appears to be the result of him mishearing...
Sam Allardyce to step in as caretaker princess for rest of season
Following the news that Harry and Meghan were to take a "step back" from Royal duties, Buckingham Palace made a swift move and have...
Morning is the best time of the day, confirm detestable bastards
People who are utter and complete bastards have confirmed that morning is the best time of the day.
Groundbreaking research by researchers at the Institute...
Amber Rudd denies plan to make immigrants wear targets
Amber Rudd was today left with egg on her face after a leaked email detailing a new strategy to combat immigration levels and increase...
