Sociologists and linguists from Rochdale Community University have discovered that Kelvin Pastie, 31, an unemployed conspiracy theorist, speaks almost entirely in cliches.
“We first heard of him on a Twitter feed when he said, ‘Corybin should wake up and smell the coffee.’ He then added, ‘So Treesa may aslep at the weehl agenn.’
So we thought we’d helicopter up and take a top down perspective,” said socio-linguist Warren Warrerway.
“Early doors, we were literally blown away, like, by basically the range, yeah? So we did some blue sky thinking outside the box, and touched base with Kelvin.”
Unfortunately, Kelvin was difficult to pin down at first.
“So at the end of the day, it was like herding cats. We had to really push the envelope and get our ducks in a row so, y’know, we wouldn’t be behind the curve?”
Eventually, however, Warrerway and his team hit the ground running and came up with a pro forma draft report.
I was given a copy and gave it a once-over.
“Guys, the exec summary gives me a good heads up, but I need a periscope perspective,” I said.
“So it’s not rocket science, and we ran it up the flagpole with the uni’s big cheese to see if we could get some traction, and now,” he added proudly, “the Warrerway Syndrome’s got the green light and there’s clear blue water between us and the competition.”
I had one last question.
“I don’t want to shoot the puppy, but, let’s front up, the elephant in the room – is the Syndrome, like, infectious?”
You could have heard a pin drop.