Top honcho at the MOD, the right honourable Sir Michael Fallon MP, has admitted that cutbacks in the Trident programme may have contributed to the near-nuking of the US last year.

So what were these cutbacks?

  • Well, having stripped down much of the staff on the submarine which carries it 24/7, the only remaining efficiency savings were the hardware of the Trident missile itself.
  • The outer metal casings were sold off and replaced with jumbo economy Lidl washing up bottles.
  • The aging computer hardware was broken up and jiffy-bagged off to in an exclusive deal.
  • The mile or so of copper wiring was flogged to a local scrap dealer, though prices were rather low since China saturated the European market with ingot mountains of the metal.
  • Boffins at MI5, had pulled out some throw off TomTom Satnavs, used some old Blue Peter rolls of double-sided sticky tape and Bob’s your uncle, the economy Trident plastique was born… codename “Plastic Fork”.

In a statement released by Sir Michael Fallon:

“There was a test of Plastic Fork some months ago. It appears, however, that the onboard satnav may have become confused by the lack of roads and was trying to lead the 20 Megaton device into a now disused parking lot in uptown Washington DC.

“It was only through the swift action of the remaining submarine staff member that the missile was redirected into the Atlantic with the detonation mechanism disable

“In hindsight the cutbacks may have contributed to this unfortunate event. ”

A full investigation is expected to be set up soon, which will be conducted in the Bahamas, on a luxury yacht, staffed by Butlers, fine cuisine and the finest silverware… not plastic forks.