The Government have announced that a whale that has been found dead beside the River Thames was a Russian spy.

The whale was found beside Battersea Bridge yesterday afternoon. One Government source told us, “We strongly suspect that the whale comes from an elite unit of Russian spy whales. They’re based in Murmansk and sent over here to hide in rivers and listen to top level Government operatives. They then report everything back to Moscow.”

Defence analyst Frederick Seddon of Rochdale College told us, “These whales undergo rigorous training. They’re made to jump through flaming hoops and have the ability to fire lasers. They’re also masters of disguise. We believe this one was pretending to be a whelk.”

The Russian Government has denied the whale is anything to do with it. It’s spokesman told us, “That whale was just a tourist. It had gotten lost trying to find Salisbury Cathedral and its magnificent spire. It attempted to leave because the weather is too cold. Unusually for a whale it doesn’t sweat.”

Meanwhile Jeremy Corbyn has denied allegations made by the Daily Mail that he had meetings in the 1980’s with the whale. His office told us he was working on a plan to nationalise Hummus at the time.



Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.