In the face of rumoured cuts to defence spending, Sir Nick Carter The Chief of the General Staff, today warned of Russia’s ‘eye-watering’ military capabilities, and demanded that the government better prepares for an armed conflict by significantly increasing defence spending.

“At present, we can only hope to hold up the Russians for ten, maybe twelve minutes if we throw the entire might of the British armed forces against them. But, with a quadrupling of resources, we could stretch our resistance to a full twenty minutes before being completely annihilated.”

Currently, government plans include issuing the Boy Scouts and Girl Guides with white flags and posting ‘Na Zdrovye! Britain welcomes our Russian conquerors’ on all motorway matrix signs.

It would, however, be unfair to claim that the government is entirely unprepared.

A spokesman confirmed that “in the face of an imminent threat to the country, the Royal Family and government will immediately leave for Canada, and there is a contingency in place for a minute’s silence on the plane.”

Defence Secretary Gavin Williamson defended the cancellation of a scheme to issue tin foil umbrellas, shovels and body bags to the general public as it was deemed ‘a bit gloomy’; instead the BBC will broadcast reruns of Dad’s Army and It Ain’t Half Hot Mum as the Russians sweep through the country.

The military threat posed by Russia comes two weeks after Theresa May warned that cyber warfare was already being waged against Europe.

Thankfully, Britain is insulated from that particular threat by Virgin and BT’s internet services that aren’t sufficiently robust to support hacking.

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