Science and Technology

White heat from the Technology News team: All the latest from the Rochdale and area tech scene

Heat from self-righteous can power the world

Scientists at the renowned Rochdale Community University's Social Physics department announced the discovery of a new energy source today. “We discovered that the heat radiated...

Linkin Park’s poignant question answered

The question posed by Linkin Park all those years ago has been answered and people might not like the answer. According to scientists, who have been...

Elon Musk to harness teenage angst as source of renewable energy

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South African science lunatic & suspected wizard Elon Musk has turned his attentions to what he calls "mankind's greatest untapped resource". A spokesperson for Mr...

The only chemicals you can kills kids with are high explosives and white phosphorus,...

Following the outcry over the alleged chemical weapons attacks in Syria, the Pentagon have confirmed that the only legal chemicals you can use to...
Scientist

People with personalised number plates are knobs, according to latest research

Antisocial anthropologist Dr Alec Smartt revealed this astounding fact in his dissertation entitled "Discerning the class differentials in a post-modern classless society". Dr Smartt's...
Hippy shit

Two kids remember something – proves some hippy shit totally

With all the scientific rigour of a hippy Merlin with a bone through his nose, the BBC headlines recently included the assertion that the...

Crap internet in rural Scotland and Wales is good for the NHS says Westminster

One in five people, or 20% of the people in large areas of Scotland and Wales have not been online in the last three...
Brian Cox

London not centre of Universe say astronomers

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In a shock announcement today, astronomers have come out and stated categorically that London is not the centre of the universe. The BBC's face of...

Buzzfeed pulls ‘Which terrorist group are you?’ quiz after complaints

Entertainment website Buzzfeed has withdrawn its ‘Which terrorist group are you?’ quiz following user complaints. The website removed the quiz on Tuesday afternoon, and...
Sunglasses

‘Men only wear sunglasses to check out other women, like at weddings’ say Scientists

Claims have been made in a startling report that men only wear sunglasses so that they can check out other women without their wives...

Computer driven people are a menace say self-driven cars

Over the last ten years or so, humans have been becoming more and more computer-driven. Cars are speaking out against this worrying trend. In a...

Particle physicists admit Hadron Collider has caused slow end of universe

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It is 2 years since the upgrade and usage of the Relativistic Heavy Ion Collider (RHIC) back in Feb 2014.  Concerns were raised by non-physicists...

Apple announce the launch of the new iPhone Glitch-delivering all of the ‘Out of...

3
Apple today announced a new generation of iPhone: The iPhone Glitch. The new iPhone Glitch will deliver today all of the update-delivered ‘enhancements’ that customers...

All toddlers are Tories scientists confirm

Scientists from the Institute For Politicised Childhoods have announced the results of extensive testing, on toddlers, in laboratories. "They're all Conservatives, by and large." Dr....

New Britain First leader Wayne Cummings apparently not a made up name

Wayne Cummings has beaten off stiff competition from brothers Wayne Kerr and Yiwen Kerr to slide into interim role as Bellend-in-Chief of the UK's...

Britain to stop messing about and put the clocks back twenty years this October

Tony Blair woke this morning to find himself in the enviable position of a second chance at his legacy with the announcement the clocks...

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