A Rochdale cyclist has spent the entire week explaining to people he works with how he knows the Earth is flat.

Carl Isles, cycles the ten miles to work and back everyday and still gets there earlier than those suckers in cars. His evidence that the Earth is flat are his incredibly low resting pulse rate of 37 bpm, his BMI of 20.2, body fat level of 4 percent and a carbon footprint so low even Giant Pandas are more polluting.

Serendipity Gottelieb, a work colleague of Carl told us,

“He’s spent the last week telling us NASA is lying to us and the Earth is actually flat. I don’t know why it’s important to him because he isn’t religious so why the Earth needs to be flat I’m not all together sure. He spent yesterday going on about the firmament and how what we think are rocket launches are actually just fireworks. I only asked him if he wanted me to get him a water. At least it stops him telling me about how his bike is insured for more than a Ferrari 458.”

Isles told us,

“A guy I met in the pub worked for NASA. He told me that they can’t go more than 7 miles up because of the firmament. He said most man made satellites are 6 miles up and nobody knows how high the sun and moon are because they can’t break the wall.

Also, my resting heart rate is so low my Doctor keeps saying I’m going to put him out of business. It’s the cycling see. Whilst everyone else is in the car breathing in noxious fumes and eating cancer causing sugar I’m leading a healthy lifestyle that benefits me and the Earth. It’s so good being part of the solution.”

Carl’s wife couldn’t be contacted for comment.

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Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra’s favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.*

*Not all of these necessarily true.