Wayne Cummings has beaten off stiff competition from brothers Wayne Kerr and Yiwen Kerr to slide into interim role as Bellend-in-Chief of the UK’s leading far right hate group, Britain First.
In the seminal 1985 film Weird Science, two high-school students miraculously created Lisa, the woman of their dreams.
Harnessing the power of a government computer system, they manage to bring the object of their desire into reality by hooking up electrodes to a doll.
It seems the same has happened to The Rochdale Herald, and we can only apologise.
A cash injection via Patreon allowed us to purchase enough coal for our servers. The stronger connection has been enough to support Putin in links to a government computer system of our own, and it seems one of our unpublished articles has been accidentally brought to life.
In June 2017, Herald reporter Jonathan “Johnny” Wapping wrote a draft article entitled “Wouldn’t it be funny if Britain First was run by a non-British person who looked like a nonce and was called something stupid like Wayne Cummings?”
As we exhibit slightly more control over our output than YouTube, the article was rejected.
Editor Quentin D Fortescue Esq. wrote at the time:
“Johnny, this is the 47th article of yours about far right nonces I have rejected this month. The headline is too long. But anyway, do I really need to tell you, yet again, that we are not going to run an article about how Britain First and the EDL’s campaigns about brown paedophiles are attracting white paedophiles to join their organisations?”
He continued, “And no, Tommy ‘and his nonce mates’ Robinson is not okay for a recurring character either. Nor is ‘well he looks like a nonce’ a valid angle to call someone a nonce, you could get arrested for that.”
The article, however, was not deleted and remained dormant in the unpublished drafts folder. Now though, it seems that, not unlike the mummified remains of an evil, alt-right high wizard awoken by a group of hapless teenagers with a ouija board, the butt of our innocent joke has gained a life of its own.
An internal investigation is underway to establish how this happened, which of our editorial staff’s dolls was connected to our servers, and for what purpose.
We can only apologise.