Science and Technology

White heat from the Technology News team: All the latest from the Rochdale and area tech scene

Hippy shit

Two kids remember something – proves some hippy shit totally

With all the scientific rigour of a hippy Merlin with a bone through his nose, the BBC headlines recently included the assertion that the...
Laptop

Government to tackle loneliness in the elderly by converting them into WiFi hotspots

The government has announced plans to tackle social isolation in the elderly by converting them into WiFi hotspots. The Department of Digital, Culture, Media &...
Scientists

Moaning about stuff easier than dealing with stuff, scientists reveal

Scientist have discovered that moaning about your problems to people is much easier than dealing them. Professor Abra Cadabra of the Universality of Rochdale concluded...
Red and green nebula

Trump Election Due To Cosmic Emissions Says Brian Cox

Professor Brian Cox has explained the recent election of Donald Trump by pointing to a rare stellar phenomenon. The Oldham-but-not-Rochdale born scientist explained:- "On the 9th...
Professor

What’s so f*cking great about sliced bread ask furious genius inventors

The wheel, the lightbulb, combustion engine, space travel, and the internet all pale in comparison to pre-sliced bread according to public opinion. "I created the...

Stephen Hawking hasn’t got a leg to stand on, says Jeremy Hunt

Health Secretary Jeremy C. Hunt has responded to Hawking's criticism of NHS reforms in a series of tweets, which are pompous even by Hunt's...

Microsoft to finally stop buggering about with Windows

Microsoft have announced today that they have finally finished fannying about with Windows and Microsoft Office. The news has been met with widespread concern by...
Man in tinfoil hat

Trump: tinfoil a good defence against mind control rays

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President-elect Donald J Trump has announced a groundbreaking and cutting edge technology to combat the growing menace of conspiracies facing the US. He is well...

Bad dishwasher etiquette is evidence of evolution running backwards

Anthropologists working at the University of Bath today released a study which they claim demonstrates that the human race appears to be separating into...

Tests prove evolution has stopped among UKIP supporters

Groundbreaking research at Rochdale Technical University’s Institute of Genetic Engineering has confirmed that evolution has stopped working, and in some cases is being reversed,...
Sunglasses

‘Men only wear sunglasses to check out other women, like at weddings’ say Scientists

Claims have been made in a startling report that men only wear sunglasses so that they can check out other women without their wives...

‘Childhood vaccines prolonged my agonising march towards death’ claims nihilist.

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A local nihilist has started a campaign against vaccinations, arguing that they force children to endure the pain and sadness of their futile existence. Stephen...
Pram

Engineer designs pram that fits in boot of car

Rumours are circulating around the World's scientific community that the man who has designed a pram that fits in the boot of a car...

Rochdale sex romp for Ozone Day

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Friday 16th of September was World Ozone Day but residents of a care home in Rochdale have been getting hot under the collar after...

All toddlers are Tories scientists confirm

Scientists from the Institute For Politicised Childhoods have announced the results of extensive testing, on toddlers, in laboratories. "They're all Conservatives, by and large." Dr....
Scientist

Scientists prove warm prosecco only explanation for Love Island

A scientific study has been released that shows that Love Island can only be explained by warm prosecco. Dr Frederick Seddon of Rochdale college told...

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