Rochdale man to drink 100 pints to help the N.H.S.

Rochdale resident Jim Tossking has announced that he hopes to raise £25m for the N.H.S. by supping 100 pints of bitter. A regular at Rochdale's famous Rat and Pudding pub, Jim is known to locals...

NHS Commodore 64 hacked with ‘ransom cassette’

The NHS is in a state of crisis after its computer was hacked earlier today. Patients requiring emergency care are being re-routed to different hospitals around the country, after it was also revealed that receptionist, Yvonne, lost...

Doctors desperately hoping Rees Mogg falls ill

Following Jacob Rees-Mogg's bullying tirade on a doctor who dared challenge his smug assertions on talk radio, many people have challenged the pusillanimous human cockroach to repeat his comments outside the house where he...

20 a day smoker worried 5G mast will give him cancer

A Bolton man says he fears that 5 aside football pitch flood light is actually a secret 5G mast that will cause him to develop cancer. 38 year old Bill Board told us that...

NHS gift vouchers to become nation’s favourite christmas stocking fillers

People up and down the country will be able to show their loved ones how much they care by buying gift vouchers for NHS treatments as of Christmas 2020. "Obviously healthcare is going to be...

Government isn’t spending enough on health, says chain-smoking binge-drinker who doesn’t go to gym

An overweight chain-smoking binge-drinker who never does any exercise has confirmed that this government isn't spending enough money on ensuring that his health care requirements are met. Following the budget announcement on Thursday that this...

Well I’ve never caught anything off my kids before, Facebook mum lies

Before 2020, Rochdale mum Di Coughlan had rarely posted anything other than pictures of her adorable children and grimacing husband.  That all changed a couple of months ago, when a new profile filter "#Stay...

Tiny Tim declared fit to work by ATOS

Dickensian child, "Tiny" Tim Cratchitt has been declared fit to work by ATOS this week despite being both famously crippled and fictional. His father, Robert Cratchitt, has condemned the decision, insisting his son's age and...

5G blamed for amnesia as thousands of twats forget to be Islamophobic

Amidst growing concern from the internet's top pseudo-scientists about the risks posed by mobile technology, yet another coal has been added to the fire. According to the prominent YouTuber Hope L'Scase, long-term exposure to massive...

Specialists called in after Yorkshireman with Aussie flu says “G’day mate”

A Yorkshire man has been rushed to hospital after it was suspected he had the most serious strain of the Aussie flu virus known in the country. Stan Dupp, a recruiment consultant from Harrogate, was...
sperm bank

Despite Brexit vote UK National Sperm Bank to close due to wanker shortage

Despite all evidence to the contrary the U.K. Is suffering from a profound wanker shortage after the National Sperm Bank recruited only seven wankers in two years.

‘Deadly viruses don’t kill people, people kill people,’ claims Ebola

In a bid to improve its reputation as one of the world's most lethal pathogens, the Ebola virus has today sought to shift the blame for its deadly effects onto people. The virus, which was...

If you lot weren’t so clumsy we wouldn’t need A&E, says Jeremy Hunt

The Minister for Health, Jeremy Hunt, has stated during an interview with our reporter that the pressure felt by A&E staff up and down the country is in no way related to the systematic...

Scientists confounded after man who left coat on still felt the benefit

Scientists around the globe are reeling this afternoon after a Rochdale man who didn’t take his coat off this morning still felt the benefit of wearing a coat when he went outside for a cigarette this afternoon.

World hunger solved after Jeremy Corbyn urinates on field

World hunger has been declared over after Jeremy Corbyn urinated on a field just outside Rochdale. One aide told us, "Jeremy was returning from one of his meet and greets with local activists. He'd had...

Man that failed GCSE Science now an expert in pediatrics

A Rochdale man who failed GCSE Science has revealed he's an expert on pediatrics and specializes in treatments for Pneumonia. Bill Board loudly announced his expertise to surprised family members this morning over a...

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