Undercover reporters for The Rochdale Herald have discovered that the Government only has enough “Care” badges for 1 in 5 care workers as part of its latest scheme to deflect attention away from its total failure to tackle Coronavirus with anything resembling a plan or strategy.

One care worker who wishes to remain anonymous told us, “For 3 weeks now we’ve been warning that we’re not equipped for this. Over Easter weekend 1/3 of the residents in the home I work at died. The Government announced they were doing something and revealed the badges. At first I thought it was great as, whilst I might be completely vulnerable to infection and infecting other residents through lack of PPE I’d always be able to look at my badge and realise I’m valued. Well, when I say valued, they might see more favourably my appeal against deportation after they refused me the right to settle here now they’ve left the EU and I don’t earn enough money to qualify.”

Another care worker told us, “The badges were delivered this morning but I didn’t get one. Looking at it would have made up for the parking ticket I’ve just got for parking in an NHS parking spot whilst I take a resident to hospital to have her broken arm fixed. Still, it’s good to see that the MP that voted against allowing us to park for free whilst dropping elderly relatives off at hospital has his badge on. That provides much succor to me.”

When asked a Government spokesman told us, “Stop being so critical of us. It’s not like we’ve had long enough to prepare. We’ve only been in power 10 years and scientists have only been warning of such a pandemic since 1997. Anyway, imagine if Jeremy Corbyn had won?”

Elsewhere, there are rumours that retired WWII vetran Capt Tom Moore is being investigated by ATOS over his fitness to work. The 99 year old has raised £13m for the NHS. A spokesman said, “He told us he couldn’t work because of chronic arthritis and limited movement. Well, I’ve seen him moving round his garden. We’ll be taking the appropriate legal action. The lazy scum bag will pay for this. Hanging is too good for him.”