Josef Fritzl gets Knighthood in New Years honours

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Austrian incest enthusiast, Josef Fritzl has been awarded a Knighthood in the New Years honours list. The list, released today recognises a range of...
Sajid Javid

Sajid Javid accidentally deports himself to Pakistan

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Sajid Javid has accidentally deported himself to Pakistan. A Home Office spokesman said, "Mr Javid has said that a hard Brexit is a good thing...
Crashed Gritter Lorry

Council has enough grit

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A council in the North of England is absolutely confident that this is the year that they have bought enough grit to salt the...
Bar Fight

Survey finds UK’s pub chat and sense of humour at risk of extinction

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Social scientists have revealed a study that shows a correlation between the decline in the British sense of humour and decline in pub chat. Dr...

Ruins of sunken city in South Yorkshire ‘just Sheffield’, archeologists told

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Archeologists have been left disappointed today after being told that the ruins of an ancient sunken city was actually just Sheffield. Archeologist Bill Board told...
Lucky Childless Bastards

Lucky childless bastards book affordable holiday

A pair of lucky childless bastards have managed to book an off-season five star holiday to an empty resort at a cost of almost...

Labour forced to suspend MP Jared O’Mara after it was revealed he considers Jaffa...

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Sheffield MP Jared O’Mara has found himself in extremely hot water today as fresh evidence of controversial views and opinions have been found on...

Stephen Fry forced to deny writing tomorrow’s Queen Speech

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Rumours are circulating within Westminster village regarding tomorrow's Queen's Speech. In order for it to be the unmistakable work of comedy everyone expects, Downing Street...
Michael Gove

Michael Gove to celebrate New Year’s Eve with simple meal of live mice and...

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Michael Gove has confirmed that he will be spending New Year Eve at home for quiet night in with his eggs. The environment secretary has...
Prince Harry begging

Prince Harry arrested in Windsor for aggressive begging to pay for wedding

Windsor-- Following complaints of aggressive begging on the streets of Windsor today Prince Harry was among the vagrants swept up in a Thames Police...

That God person is a pervert say parents of transgender kids

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A primary school has become the center of a row when it taught religion to transgender pupils. St Andgreavsey's primary school faced a...
Angry Man Christmas

Man adamant he wanted nowt for Christmas now angry and petulant he got what...

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An angry Rochdale man who swore to friends and relatives he wanted nothing except "maybe a skip" for all the stuff he already owns...
Kicked in the balls

London pints to come with free kick in knackers from 2019

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Consumers concerned with the rising price of alcohol in the UK received a welcome boost today, as it was confirmed all boozers in the...
Angry Man

Oxfam scandal proves we have moral high-ground say selfish, tight bastards

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Dreadful arseholes everywhere have applauded Oxfam staff for providing them with their latest bout of self-justification. Graham Ruddington, 47, who has both used and supplied...
Football

Theresa May smashes transfer fee record by buying 10 Northern Irish defenders for £1.5BN

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Theresa May today totally smashed Paul Pogba's world transfer fee record into smithereens after purchasing 10 Northern Irish defenders for a yet to be...
Union flag with "Brexit" ove it

“Go Back to where you came from!” -Say 1970’s

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In a shock statement today the 1970's have told 2016 to go back to its own timeline where it belongs.  In July a third of...

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