‘One is married to Philip’ Queen reminds Public who think Trump too racist for...

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Over 1.8 million Britons have signed a petition to deny a State Visit to nylon-haired snake-oil salesman and part-time President, Donald Trump.  The petition insists...
Gin Drinking Middle Class

CRISIS as supermarkets RUN OUT of fancy tonic forcing MIDDLE CLASS to drink OWN...

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The sunny weather forecast for the bank holiday weekend has led to panic buying of certain summer essentials. There have been reports of chronic...

More Guardian Subscriptions Cancelled Over Fresh Crossword Slur

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Following yesterday's scandal that saw literally units of enraged Scotts cancelling their subscriptions, The Guardian's simple crossword this morning poured fresh fuel onto the...
BBC Question Time

Question Time cut short after woman dies of boredom

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The BBC's Question Time recording was cut short on Thursday after an audience member passed out from boredom during the recording. Filming of the BBC...

British Firewall totally not about censorship and spying, says head of spying and censorship...

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GCHQ, the British spy agency that is regularly exposed for bugging our phones and nicking our online data to spy on us, has announced...

Trump storms out of NATO summit after Justin Trudeau appears in orange face

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Donald Trump has flounced off from a NATO summit after Justin Trudeau appeared to mock his appearance by appearing in 'orange face'. The incident took...

Returning jihadis to be given free roast dinner at BUCKINGHAM PALACE

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Britons who travelled to Syria to fight for the so-called Islamic State will be welcomed back into the country with a FREE roast dinner...
David Davis

Brexiteers demand Government grants cognitive dissonance settled status

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Brexiteers have demanded the Government grant settled status to cognitive dissonance. The demands come as many companies that employ lots of people in Britain...
Angry Man Christmas

Man adamant he wanted nowt for Christmas now angry and petulant he got what...

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An angry Rochdale man who swore to friends and relatives he wanted nothing except "maybe a skip" for all the stuff he already owns...
Geese

New £50 note to be made of foie gras

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In a surprise move, it was revealed today that the new £50 note is to be made of foie gras. The announcement comes as...
Daily Express Readers

Charity begins at home, say dickheads who don’t give money to charity

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Total wankers around the country have responded to increases in the foreign aid budget by insisting that charity begins at home. The wankers, who can...
Houses of Parliament

Boost for NHS as Government pledges 50% of uncollected change from vending machines over...

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The NHS received a much needed boost today, after Number 10 kindly pledged to plough a sizeable portion of uncollected change from all Government...

Rupert Murdoch still on course to become Britain’s longest-serving Prime Minister

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With only two days of campaigning left before the general election, polling suggests that Rupert Murdoch is still on course to become Britain’s longest-serving...

Britain WARNED to expect seasonally COLD WEATHER in winter AGAIN

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The UK has been warned that parts of the country could get a bit colder now that it is  December for the billionth year...
Prince Philip

Women who can close car doors can crash cars too, chuckles Duke of Edinburgh

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Palace sources reveal Philip's delight at Meghan's unusual approach to royal protocol Arriving at the Royal Academy of Arts to attend her first solo event...

EU to force UK to use £ s d following Brexit…

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Brussels has warned that Britain will no longer be allowed to use the decimal system following Brexit and will be forced to go back...

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