High Court

Man who murdered colleague who spoke to him before first cup of coffee cleared...

A man who beat a colleague to death with a computer keyboard in what has been described as a frenzied attack has been cleared of all charges. In what is being hailed as a landmark...
Scientists

Scientists confirm that builder’s tea is just tea

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A team of scientists from Rochdale Community University have confirmed after years of extensive research that builder's tea is, in fact, just tea. Clarence Tetley, lead beverage researcher at the University's world famous Brew Institute,...
Theresa May

Awkward Moment as Someone has to explain what a Joke is to Theresa May

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There was an awkward meeting this morning when an assistant to the Prime Minister had to explain to her what a joke was. This occurred after a school child attempted to tell May a knock-knock...
Blue Passport

British retail workers thrilled about opportunity to sign on using blue passport

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British retail workers have revealed that they're looking forward to signing on with blue passports. Cliff Edge told us, "Not having a job or any money will be a drag. I'll probably be feeling quite...

Gary Glitter to crowdfund trip to Thailand

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Popular paedophile, Gary Glitter is alleged to be considering crowdfunding a trip to Thailand for when he gets out of prison. A spokesperson said, "The funds will only be used to fund Gary's flights, accommodation...
Yorkshire Family

Family of Yorkshireman caught in endless loop of telling it like it is win...

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There was a relief for a family on the wrong side of the Pennines this afternoon, as a man with a debilitating terminal illness was finally given the right to die after a court...

Fat Controller to be renamed Big Boned Team Leader in Thomas revamp’

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Anti-bullying & equality campaigners have praised plans by children's show Thomas the Tank Engine to highlight modern issues in the latest series of the classic show. Producers confirmed that the show's famous Railway Controller Sir...
Good Morning

A quick break from satire

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Last week there was a rather big election in the USA. The supporters of the losing candidate have spent every waking moment since, it seems, trying to find anybody to blame for the victory...
Teabag

Teabag enters second month on little plate by kettle

A teabag is currently entering its second month of lying in state on a little plate by the kettle in the kitchen. Barbara Dickinson of Rochdale placed the teabag on the little plate by the...

People urged to collect this year’s autumn leaves for currency post apocalypse

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The Home Office has issued advice to the nation’s gardeners this year that they should be storing this year’s autumn leaves for use as currency after the apocalypse. “It's just a precautionary measure. There is...
Jesus Christ

Jesus ‘probably had eczema’

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Jesus of Nazareth may have had eczema, dermatologists have found. New evidence that The Lord suffered from the common skin complaint emerged following fresh analysis of The Shroud of Turin, thought to be the old...

Tate & Lyle sponsor cabinet meetings

After what critics are calling a feeble effort to tackle childhood obesity the government is now in hot water again as it transpired that cabinet meetings, after the recess, are to be sponsored...

Nicholas Witchell tasered during naked Prince Philip coup attempt

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The BBC’s Royal correspondent, Nicholas Witchell, is currently under heavy sedation after attempting to storm the gates of Buckingham Palace. According to eyewitnesses, the journalist appeared outside the Palace gates at around 8am this morning,...

Peter Andre to press Brexit Button

As part of her Key Note speech to the Conservative Party Conference today Theresa May is set to announce this explosive coup for the Torys & Brexiteers - Peter Andre is set to turn...

Brexit Secretary resignation is ‘ferry nuff’ and we’ll get ‘Dover’ it, says PM

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Brexit secretary Dominic Raab, who had one job, to achieve an appropriate agreement to leave the EU, has resigned from the government Announcing his departure on Twitter, because of course he did, because we are...
Dignity

Bin man feared dead after ship called Dignity found wrecked off west coast

Fears are growing this evening for a Glasgow bin man whose boat has been found wrecked off the west coast of Scotland. The man, a worker for Glasgow council for twenty years, known to his...

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