The Queen’s husband and consort, Philip “The Swagger” Windsor, has revealed he is privately wishing for renewed hostilities with “that red headed rabble”, by which he means Scotland, to break out following Brexit.

Retiring from public life, due to the inability to give anyone a well deserved slap, Philip doesn’t think his age will handicap him.

“Put me on top of a Clydesdale and give me a ruddy lance and I’ll show you what a senior citizen can do to a heather botherer!”

With Sturgeon agitating for secession, and treacherous frogs and devious men from Italy who tan too readily for the Prince’s liking already sending arms shipments to the north, Philip may just see his dreams come true.