Fifa officials last night refused to comment on rumours that they all turned down Vladimir Putin’s offer of an all-expenses paid trip to Zizzi’s in Moscow.
However, The Rochdale Herald’s brown envelope full of money soon made them more malleable to speaking.
One Fifa executive said, “It got to the end of the opening game. Putin was happy because Russia had won and he’d just received news of an investigational journalist committing suicide by shooting himself in the back.”
“Putin looked round and told us he was in the mood for pizza and asked if anyone fancied a cheeky Zizzi’s. Gianni Infantino, Fifa’s head looked pensive. There was a moment of silence and panic. Then he muttered something about having to check the inflation levels of footballs at different stadia. He left with Michele Uva, head of the Italian FA.”
The executive told us, “Everyone else quickly made excuses. A few were washing their hair, the Qatari FA head had to get back to Qatar to walk his dog, one man even arranged to get taken to a housing estate on the outskirts of Moscow and robbed by Krokodil addicts.”
Putin was later seen in Zizzi’s Moscow eating pizza and discussing football with Steven Seagall.
In other news, Fifa confirmed Rochdale will host the 2030 World Cup. Rochdale will host the tournament after a reporter handed over a brown envelope with some cash to a Fifa executive. The executive said that what really won the tournament was the bag of chips and curry sauce that the reporter provided.
Sites in and around Rochdale are being evaluated for suitability to build stadia on.
