The Right Reverend Christopher Cocksworth has admitted to sexual confusion, after screwing up a General Synod vote on gay marriage.

“I didn’t know which way to turn,” squealed his High Vicarage. “Peter made his comment about us coalescing around an endpoint, and I just corpsed,” he sniggered.

“I lost control of my doohickey during the vote and stuck my finger in the wrong hole…”

Peter Broadbent, the Bishop of Willesden explained:

“We all saw the size and breadth of the report, and we unanimously decided to bend over backwards to accept it.

“I think Christopher just got over excited and, before he knew what was happening, it was all over.

“Sometimes, these things just come to a premature conclusion.

“However, it’s important that we don’t bash the Bishop over this rejection,” he added. “It was the Clergy who delivered the blow, at the climax of the Synod.”

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, is said to be disappointed that he failed in his attempt to modernise the Church through the backdoor.

Ultimately, it is his avowed intent to drag its membership screaming and kicking into the 19th century.

Broadbent explained, “I think Justin hoped that he had smoothed the passage sufficiently this time.”