The secret owners of an estimated one million companies registered in the British Virgin Islands Sunday registered their displeasure at the UK government’s slow response to hurricane Irma which last week devastated much of the archipelago.
“The building which served as the official address for my 20 anonymously owned money laundering companies blew away along with the servers containing all our company registration details and the BVI government official who stamped the papers I need to access my bank accounts,” complained a rotund moustachioed gentleman in sunglasses with a noticeable Russian accent giving his name as A. N Other.
According to Mr Other hundreds, if not thousands of other obese, anonymous, tax dodging, money laundering company owners have been left in the same position, nominally owning hundreds of billions of dollars but unable to access it after Irma destroyed secret company records making it impossible for them to renew documents allowing them to access their carefully concealed fortunes.
“Doesn’t the UK government realise the effect this will have on cocaine supplies and property prices in London? He asked pointing out that none of the British navy ships which have brought relief supplies to the islands was manned with computer software engineers and equipment needed to retrieve the lost data.
“FFS – they sent food, water and medical supplies and medical personnel but not a single forensic computer hardware technician” he moaned, pointing out that her predecessor David Cameron keeps his offshore wealth in Panama, so she has no reason to victimise those who launder their ill gotten gains through BVI.”
Commenting on the devastation wrought to the islands and the lives of the islanders themselves Other was sympathetic.
“Obviously losing your home, and all your possessions, your job and half the buildings in your country is tough – but at least there are plenty of fish in the sea and the weather is nice….well most of the time,” he conceded.
“But think how tough it will be for us anonymous money launderers when we arrive in town on our multi-million dollar yachts to find we can’t get any fresh caviar and the bars can’t even manage a chilled daiquiri,” he wept.