The Daily Express has reported that Britain is to experience the worst winter for the last 5bn years.

John Muir, of Inexact weather forecasting said, “We have a unique set of circumstances this year that you only ever get every 100 years. The huge Caribbean hurricanes have sucked a lot of weather that would ordinarily be over Britain over the Atlantic. This in turn will pull polar air south. The monsoon season in the Pacific has been more intense than normal. This is creating disturbances in global pressures pushing further arctic air south. Also, the sun’s activity cycle means solar activity is low which will cause temperatures to plummet earlier and further than normal.”

There are fears the winter could lead to an increase in deaths amongst the elderly and vulnerable sick people. Temperatures could begin to plummet as early as next month with December – February seeing a deep freeze of -8 centigrade setting in.

A Government Minister told us, “We’re bracing for the worst. Some estimates are that between 50000-75000 pensioners could have frozen to death by Christmas. If the projections turn out to be accurate and temperatures plummet as far as they are expecting we’re expecting 15000 dead pensioners a week between Christmas and Easter.”

With an ageing population the NHS may struggle to cope leading to rationing of treatment and some unnecessary deaths. What’s more, funeral directors may struggle to cope with demand. A Rochdale funeral director told us, “There’s a good chance we’ll have a backlog. You may even see frozen corpses at the roadside as mortuaries fill up and we run out of places to put everyone.”

In the capital, TFL have sought to play down suggestions that London will be swamped by marauding unemployed Romanian Uber drivers. It’s alleged by a black cab driver, quoted in the paper, that ex-Uber drivers are planning to loot corpses of elderly victims that are expected to be piled up at the side of the street.

However, not everyone is as downcast. Many prominent remainers have spoken to say they would welcome a harsh winter. It’s believed that the outcome could be a lot fewer Brexiteers if loads of pensioners die.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.